Shit My Husband Wants for Christmas

It’s no secret that my husband Nick loves toys. In fact, he loves them so much that I threatened him with a regular series right here on this blog called “Shit My Husband Buys.” I would chronicle his silly shopping habits, and he would feel ashamed and stop buying swords. I did one post and realized I’d made a huge mistake. He got compliments on that shit and immediately renewed his Amazon Prime membership. Let’s just say that if drone delivery starts happening, our house is going to look like a war zone.

So it’s no surprise that the man who loves toys also loves Christmas. It’s the one time of year when it’s socially acceptable for him to make a list of all of the ridiculous things he wants and ask other people to buy them. Seriously, Nick loves the holiday season so much that he’s sitting in front of our tree right now wearing a (happy) Grinch shirt and playing Faith Hill’s “Where Are You Christmas?” on repeat. Also, our dog may or may not be wearing antlers.

In the event that you have a man-child on your shopping list, I’m sharing some of the items on Nick’s wish list. Get ready for some serious shit, Santa.

1. The ACTUAL Motorcycle Jacket Worn by Arnold Schwarzenegger in Terminator 2. This made the list “just in cases” I pick winning numbers for the next Mega Millions. Nick was kind enough to suggest a backup option: a more reasonably-priced replica.

2. Zombie Annihilation Crate. This kit comes with everything Nick needs to protect us from an episode of The Walking Dead. Just kidding. I’d sooner poke out my own eyeballs with the included axe before watching that show.

3. Wolverine Claw Dagger. It’s an X-Men thing, which I know because Hugh Jackman. Did I mention it comes with a plaque? This shit isn’t just a dangerous toy for children, it’s art.

4. Spiegelau IPA Glass. Because you can’t drink premium hops out of a regular beer glass, obviously.

5. Das Horn Drinking Vessel. Because you can’t drink mead (or whatever Vikings drink) out of a regular glass, either.

6. Eyenimal Pet Video Cam. This camera would attach to our dog’s collar and record what she does while we’re away so that Nick can later watch thrilling footage of our couch. He also wants this pet communication system so he can give her cookies all day.

7. Shinola Watch. There’s nothing wrong with this particular timepiece. I really like it. But Nick already has 500 watches, including one that can be seen from space.

8. Breville Crispy Crust Pizza Maker and Crust Mix Gift Set. If used, this would be awesome, but I fear it’d have a fate similar to Nick’s ebelskiver pan, which has produced those puffy little Danish pancakes twice in four years.

9. Dark Knight Motorcycle Helmet. I’m kind of okay with this, but only because it’s safer than the alternative. Another option: a Predator helmet (FYI: Predator is an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie, which I’m being forced to watch tonight because I made the mistake of asking what Predator was when I saw this helmet).

10. Eddie Van Halen Sneakers. Nick already has multiple pairs, most of which are stored unopened in his closet. He likes to get a new pair every year to make sure he can still rock them in his eighties in case Eddie ever stops making them. Plus, MORE COLORS!

P.S. You can also see more of Nick’s shit on Tumblr.