WHAT? Did Lululemon and I just become best friends?
My original post about the man crush I have on my Lululemon shorts went viral in a very limited way. Instead of a zombie virus outbreak that quickly spread across the globe, it was more like I had the sniffles and two coworkers came down with runny noses that cleared up after a cup of tea. However, my words did reach the eyes of Lululemon himself and one of the guys in his marketing department (what’s up, Ben) sent me a care package.
Inside were pants, a long-sleeve shirt, a new pair of (upgraded) shorts, and a vest (sold out online but check your local stores .... or don’t, I don’t know what to tell you). I put them all on at once (shorts over pants, Superman-style) and immediately sent a picture (sext?) to Julia because I knew it would make her completely jealous and slightly angry, and those are the immature types of things I do that remind me I’m a shitty oversized human child.
I looked at myself in the mirror and I was ashamed at my behavior (again). Then I examined the clothes and I was ... confused. These weren’t workout clothes. These were normal clothes. I mean, PANTS?! People who exercise in pants aren’t allowed on airplanes. I was being tested. Except for the upgraded shorts. Those are clearly only for exercise but these, as opposed to my first and favorite pair, have a bit of an underwear/tights liner. Now, that invention is remarkably well past due because it keeps the disgustingly white and oddly hairy thighs of most all males unexposed when performing squats or really anything with lower body movement, but can someone just tell me if I’m supposed to wear underwear with these things? I can’t figure it out. I’ve tried it both ways and avec underpants, it feels like too much material that bunches in terrible ways, but sans underoos, I feel wrong on a more emotional than physical level. This is where I need another male Lululemon buddy who can teach me what is right (secret handshake).
Anyway, I was being tested. Mr. Lululemon sent me normal clothes in order to push me out of my comfort zone. Well, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. I wore that shit to work.
Bottom line: It felt like cheating. I felt like a spy in a wizard’s cloak. All of my coworkers had no idea that I was clad in pure comfort while they were toiling away in their monkey suits. A stylish girl told me she liked my vest and once she was out of sight, I punched the sky in triumph and validation. I realized that Lululemon had cracked yet another code. In my first post, I wrote about style without sacrificing function in the gym, but now they’ve managed to create products that are functional without sacrificing the necessary style for the office. These fashion prophets are also enabling a new generation of workers who care just as much about health and mobility as they do about their productivity and money.
I don’t have one friend who enjoys being a sedentary trashbag of diabetes, yet most of my civilian sector colleagues have their assess stapled to chairs in front of Microsoft Office for the best parts of the day. If functional fitness is the codeword for 2010s fitness, then the solution to this somewhat necessary 9-5 lifestyle is activity. Nike Fuelbands, FitBits, standing desks, Bike to Work Day, and exercise ball chairs are wonderful intentions, but what good is any of that if you have to constantly remove all of your clothes to knock out a set of mobility exercises for ten minutes every hour then report to HR for a chat about workplace hygiene? Answer: Buy some Lululemon secret workout office pants! AND, as a special bonus, you can give all of your cycling friends the biggest middle finger as you confidently strut into your first meeting without changing outfits. And if Lululemon represents anything, it is class and sportsmanship.
Did you notice that it is winter now? A bit cold are you? Is that wool peacoat not convenient? Are you in George Washington’s Army? Buy this Lululemon vest and random babes will tell you how good you look. It’s also the perfect balance between too sweaty inside and hypothermic outside. Too hot after running or chopping firewood with a tomahawk? It’s still appropriate attire because as you cool down, it won’t leave you with sweat icicles on your impressive beard. Winter is great because Christmas, but the price we must pay is the awkward cold air between the car and the gym/office. That ends now. I’m currently wearing this vest indoors and I’m not even uncomfortable. It’s like it knows what to be. Pro tip: Wear it without a shirt and you’ll feel like Bane.
I can’t be any more clear. When I saw that Lululemon was making clothes for activities other than intense fitness, I felt like, “whoa, let us not be silly.” But now I’m the one being fed my words. From now on, at the start of every season to simplify my shopping, I’m going to take a fairly thick stack of money, walk into my neighborhood Lululemon, throw it at the cashier and walk out with the mannequin that’s modeling the new line. I’m sick of being wrong. They’re obviously professionals who know exactly what they’re doing, and I’m just an immature man-child who needs a timeout. My new favorite word isLululemon still Batmobile.
DISCLAIMER: Lulu f’in Lemon. I’m trying my best to help you but you’re making my job difficult. Granted, I am a part-time blogger/smartass with AT LEAST one hundred Facebook friends, but my PR skills pale in comparison to your founder’s ability to put his foot so far in his mouth that he can still use it to walk.
To you, my beautiful reader: I wrote this article two weeks ago so please don’t think I condone what that guy said about pants. Basically, earlier this year, Lululemon had a $50 million quality problem in which some of their super popular yoga pants were also super see-through. Instead of just fixing it, the founder of the company thought the problem wasn’t big enough, so when asked during an interview, he said that it wasn’t a quality or design issue but, rather, due to some women having large thighs. I know. That’s pretty bad. As a guy with the SAME PROBLEM, I feel the sting. However, I think the words of one guy represent the thoughts of only one guy, so my high opinion of this organization is still intact but gosh the timing is just not ideal for me.
My original post about the man crush I have on my Lululemon shorts went viral in a very limited way. Instead of a zombie virus outbreak that quickly spread across the globe, it was more like I had the sniffles and two coworkers came down with runny noses that cleared up after a cup of tea. However, my words did reach the eyes of Lululemon himself and one of the guys in his marketing department (what’s up, Ben) sent me a care package.
Inside were pants, a long-sleeve shirt, a new pair of (upgraded) shorts, and a vest (sold out online but check your local stores .... or don’t, I don’t know what to tell you). I put them all on at once (shorts over pants, Superman-style) and immediately sent a picture (sext?) to Julia because I knew it would make her completely jealous and slightly angry, and those are the immature types of things I do that remind me I’m a shitty oversized human child.
I looked at myself in the mirror and I was ashamed at my behavior (again). Then I examined the clothes and I was ... confused. These weren’t workout clothes. These were normal clothes. I mean, PANTS?! People who exercise in pants aren’t allowed on airplanes. I was being tested. Except for the upgraded shorts. Those are clearly only for exercise but these, as opposed to my first and favorite pair, have a bit of an underwear/tights liner. Now, that invention is remarkably well past due because it keeps the disgustingly white and oddly hairy thighs of most all males unexposed when performing squats or really anything with lower body movement, but can someone just tell me if I’m supposed to wear underwear with these things? I can’t figure it out. I’ve tried it both ways and avec underpants, it feels like too much material that bunches in terrible ways, but sans underoos, I feel wrong on a more emotional than physical level. This is where I need another male Lululemon buddy who can teach me what is right (secret handshake).
Bottom line: It felt like cheating. I felt like a spy in a wizard’s cloak. All of my coworkers had no idea that I was clad in pure comfort while they were toiling away in their monkey suits. A stylish girl told me she liked my vest and once she was out of sight, I punched the sky in triumph and validation. I realized that Lululemon had cracked yet another code. In my first post, I wrote about style without sacrificing function in the gym, but now they’ve managed to create products that are functional without sacrificing the necessary style for the office. These fashion prophets are also enabling a new generation of workers who care just as much about health and mobility as they do about their productivity and money.
I don’t have one friend who enjoys being a sedentary trashbag of diabetes, yet most of my civilian sector colleagues have their assess stapled to chairs in front of Microsoft Office for the best parts of the day. If functional fitness is the codeword for 2010s fitness, then the solution to this somewhat necessary 9-5 lifestyle is activity. Nike Fuelbands, FitBits, standing desks, Bike to Work Day, and exercise ball chairs are wonderful intentions, but what good is any of that if you have to constantly remove all of your clothes to knock out a set of mobility exercises for ten minutes every hour then report to HR for a chat about workplace hygiene? Answer: Buy some Lululemon secret workout office pants! AND, as a special bonus, you can give all of your cycling friends the biggest middle finger as you confidently strut into your first meeting without changing outfits. And if Lululemon represents anything, it is class and sportsmanship.
Did you notice that it is winter now? A bit cold are you? Is that wool peacoat not convenient? Are you in George Washington’s Army? Buy this Lululemon vest and random babes will tell you how good you look. It’s also the perfect balance between too sweaty inside and hypothermic outside. Too hot after running or chopping firewood with a tomahawk? It’s still appropriate attire because as you cool down, it won’t leave you with sweat icicles on your impressive beard. Winter is great because Christmas, but the price we must pay is the awkward cold air between the car and the gym/office. That ends now. I’m currently wearing this vest indoors and I’m not even uncomfortable. It’s like it knows what to be. Pro tip: Wear it without a shirt and you’ll feel like Bane.
I can’t be any more clear. When I saw that Lululemon was making clothes for activities other than intense fitness, I felt like, “whoa, let us not be silly.” But now I’m the one being fed my words. From now on, at the start of every season to simplify my shopping, I’m going to take a fairly thick stack of money, walk into my neighborhood Lululemon, throw it at the cashier and walk out with the mannequin that’s modeling the new line. I’m sick of being wrong. They’re obviously professionals who know exactly what they’re doing, and I’m just an immature man-child who needs a timeout. My new favorite word is
_____________________________________________________________
DISCLAIMER: Lulu f’in Lemon. I’m trying my best to help you but you’re making my job difficult. Granted, I am a part-time blogger/smartass with AT LEAST one hundred Facebook friends, but my PR skills pale in comparison to your founder’s ability to put his foot so far in his mouth that he can still use it to walk.
To you, my beautiful reader: I wrote this article two weeks ago so please don’t think I condone what that guy said about pants. Basically, earlier this year, Lululemon had a $50 million quality problem in which some of their super popular yoga pants were also super see-through. Instead of just fixing it, the founder of the company thought the problem wasn’t big enough, so when asked during an interview, he said that it wasn’t a quality or design issue but, rather, due to some women having large thighs. I know. That’s pretty bad. As a guy with the SAME PROBLEM, I feel the sting. However, I think the words of one guy represent the thoughts of only one guy, so my high opinion of this organization is still intact but gosh the timing is just not ideal for me.
It's entirely possible that "sedentary trashbag of diabetes" is my new catch phrase... :) Great post! I vote for a monthly column!
ReplyDeleteIt's an "almost" monthly column. If Julia didn't have so many hot outfits to show off then I'd be able to squeeze in more posts.
DeleteNick fulfills my daily quota of laughter!
ReplyDeleteThere is never too much laughter
DeleteOMG! I sent your original post to the Lulu PR team in August, and I got two really sweet replies from them saying that they loved it...BUT they didn't offer to send you, Julia, or me any free schwag...or publicity for Julia's blog....which was really the two things that I was after. So, I didn't say anything to you guys. Here's one of the replies I got, "Thanks so much for this note. I will definitely share your friend's blog post with our team. I'm pretty sure her husband and my boyfriend would get along well (and the slowly expanding obsession with our gear on my boyfriend's hockey team is something I'm sure her husband would appreciate). I'm not sure if this will make him feel any better, but as a huge NHL nut myself, I can tell you that I know quite a few players who rock our gear daily. Thanks again for the lovely share."
ReplyDeleteIf this is how the hook-up was procured, I think Nick owes me a Lulu headband. ;)
I'll pull some strings...
DeleteWhile I will never shop there again, I do LOVE the dozens of items I owned prior to hearing that their pants were not made for my thighs. *The writer realized she is dramatic.*
ReplyDeleteMore importantly, Nick you are hilarious and I love this post and the clothes they sent you! You look great! BA
Thanks!
DeleteI agree there should be a monthly column. Nick, you are hilarious. But be forewarned, your wife is the writer in the family don't try to usurp her power.
ReplyDeletexox
Then I must branch off and begin my own blog. I'm afraid my power is too great. However as long as she actually gets paid to write, my power is like this: http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_YMyLSgVTEYY/SmEmYniVWBI/AAAAAAAAAWI/n1qH7o4vARw/s320/_calvin%26hobbes-mirror(small).jpg
DeleteThis is such a good post! You're hilarious, and I have to admit the whole time I was thinking... "Ummm, but doesn't he know the Lulu dude is a douche?" Thanks for clearing that up in the the disclaimer at the bottom. I have such mixed feelings now because, as you know, Lulu clothes rock, but the CEO sucks! Thanks for the entertaining post!
ReplyDeleteUmm Wear Wag Repeat?? That sounds like something right up my wife's alley. I'm totally buying her your dog sweater right this second. Thanks for reading!
Delete