A Man’s POV: Victoria’s Secret

This is the fourth installment of A Man's POV, by my husband Nick.

Shopping at Victoria’s Secret is never the experience I once imagined it would be. Instead of strobe lights and runway models, it’s bored boyfriends and bins overflowing with underpants in the most overwhelming way possible. Victoria organizes her displays like she’s trying to get revenge on her mom for making her clean up her room when she was a tween. Those exotic and delicate garments just don’t look the same as they do in the commercials when they are equipped with enormous security devices and being handled by the dozen by some dude as if he’s training to be a magician.

Best case, Julia knows exactly what she wants and we’re outta there in five or thirty minutes. Worst case, I’m sent in on a solo mission to “find” something for her. Fortunately there usually are other stores into which I can escape. That was my strategy during one particularly exciting trip to the mall last year. Julia wanted to browse so I wandered off. This is normal and not usually a cause for concern, but after 45 minutes in the Apple store, I began to wonder why she was trying on all of the bras.

Ring ring.
Julia: Hi.
Nick: Um, are you trapped in the dressing room? What is taking so long?
Julia: Yes.
Nick: That’s your real answer?
Julia: No. Yes, I’m trapped in the dressing room.
Nick: Haha, ok, can you just wrap it up soon?
Julia: Nick, I’m actually stuck! The lock broke and I can’t get out!
Nick: Oh my God this is a wannabe superhero’s fantasy I’ll be right there.

Much, much slower than a speeding bullet, I rushed over to the store and, yes indeed, the door was very, very jammed. If heat vision existed, Julia would have been in luck because the employees did nothing but stare at the door. The mall cop jiggled the lock a dozen times then gawked at it like it was calculus. I asked what their plan was and the manager said, “We called the fire department. They should be here soon.”

*Light bulb/strobe light*
Nick: Can I just kick the door open?
Manager: I guess, the fire fighters are probably just going to...
KA-BOOM! Roundhouse kick!
Nick: You were serious, right?

I made a good dent in the wood but failed to break the bolt. I made the best of it and thoroughly enjoyed kicking the door ten more times before it became clear that everything I learned in straight-to-DVD Van Damme movies was a lie.

Finally I just leg pressed the shit out of the door and blasted it open while Julia took cover in the corner. What a scene. The aftermath looked like a SWAT team thought Victoria's real secret was a stash of drugs. In that moment when the frame and part of the wall exploded into splinters, I knew that I loved shopping. What started off as a mundane errand turned into the best and most violent underwear experience of my life. I rescued the beautiful girl from extreme peril (sorta) and didn’t even have to pick out a bra.

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