A Man’s POV: Pink Lipstick

The numbers are in: the most viewed post on my blog is not about fashion, beauty, or a recipe that keeps you in your skinny jeans, but a story I wrote about my husband’s questionable shopping habits. So, I figured I’d turn it over to him for this next post.

Hi, I’m Nick. You may know me from such blogisodes as “Shit My Husband Buys” and “Husband Who Is Still Learning How to Use a Camera and That’s Why Julia’s Feet Are Cut Off and There’s a Dumpster in the Background.” When Julia approached me about writing a guest post, I was happy. When Julia told me it was about pink lipstick, I experienced fear. I like to think that I could be a successful internet writer/unsuccessful novelist so I hesitated to consent to having my columnistic debut coincide with the revelation that I care about makeup. However, I support my wife and I’m not afraid of exposing this side of me as long as it means I get 51% of the movie voting rights on Friday. 

The Dark Knight was released that Friday. 

Here goes! 

Like I said two sentences ago, I support my wife. Now that she spends hours a day living in the blogosphere (is this the right term? It doesn’t feel like a real word but I’m sure it is), two things have happened: 
1. I can watch Game of Thrones and The Walking Dead without harassment while Julia’s eagerly Pinteresting away at the other end of the apartment and; 
2. With all of the magazines, photo shoots, bloggy-type Google Chrome tabs left open on my laptop, I have accidentally absorbed a shocking amount of fashion, style, beauty, and (non-zombie related) pop culture knowledge.

The effects of these are: 
1. Julia doesn’t have to watch these shows because she hates “medieval stuff,” and; 
2. I occasionally have brilliant beauty ideas (for HER) and enough accidental knowledge to spot fashion trends six months out. 

For example, last year I noticed that purple was trending before it was a trend. 

This year, it’s lipstick. 

But not just any lipstick. If you’re like me and have to pick up enough fashion mag(azine)s from the foot of the bed, you know that bold, bright lips are all the rage right now. Julia was so focused on boots and stuff that I began to fear she was going to miss this major shift in trends. So, in order to save her from some kind of ugly beauty blog faux pas, and to earn major marriage points, I went out on a twig of a limb and expressed an opinion: Pink lipstick is cool. 

Then Julia asked so many questions. “Look, I’m right about this; trust me” didn’t count for much because I have exactly zero street-style cred. How about, “Well, it’s f---ing HOT”? Can that be a reason? Also, regardless of the fact that it is totally in, pink lipstick is edgy enough to give her a fun new look without much effort. It’s like the time she got bangs. I knew it wasn’t going to be her 100% new forever look BUT it was an exciting change for a couple months (“Hey, new wife!”). Besides, lip color was my idea so I was bearing all of the risk if she walked outside and babies cried and dogs howled. 

All I knew was that bright, Jessica Rabbit/Chastain red was last season’s color (but still a good, conservative one) so with winter and the Oscars behind us, we hustled over to the mall to find the perfect shade of pink to match the playful colors of sunny weather and spring fashion (I swear I’m writing this by myself and I’m more scared than ever but it’s too far to turn back don’t judge I’m sweating and super nauseous). 

This wasn’t easy. Since I was controlling this adventure (and since you’ve already read about my shopping style), I was hoping that we would have been in and out of Sephora in 15 minutes. Not happening. I guess part of the problem was that I couldn’t even articulate what the shade of pink in my vision looked like. “Umm, it’s kind of a Katy Perry, neon post-it note, bubblegum color that I hope Nicki Minaj wouldn’t wear but probably does.” The look on the Sephora girl’s face made me feel awfully ridiculous for not being better prepared but there was a twinkle in her eyes that said, “This is going to take forever but it’s cute that you’re here.” Presumably, I was already supposed to know which shade of pink lipstick is the best. What a fantastic and absurd question. Isn’t “pink” enough? In my childhood box of crayons there was at most one pink crayon and it was always in perfect condition because no one ever used it because it was pale and shitty and not good for coloring at all. I could see my big idea was quickly becoming a regret. 

It actually took a thousand (three) trips to the mall to find the exact type of pink I’d been envisioning, since apparently you can only try on 40 (or so) lipsticks until your lips turn permanently pink and you can no longer tell fuschia from magenta or Red Velvet Sprinkles (shopping fuel). 

Too light.

Too dark.

Too goopy.

Getting closer.

Getting bored.

Just right!

YSL Rouge Pur Couture #27

Moral of the story: As a guy, shopping is like diving for treasure; if you think you can do it in one dive and hold your breath (literally—the smell of Sephora gives me a headache) then you’re gonna die. My best advice is to choose your battles wisely, be prepared, and be patient. Then recover by watching the new season of Arrested Development (and all the old ones) and forget everything you’ve learned. Try again next year. Repeat. (Because she’s worth it).

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